


Benzene

by Olliekun



Series: Benzene [1]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Guilt, Hospitals, M/M, Nightmares, Not beta read kinda sorta, Only tagging speaking characters, POV switch, Panic Attacks, Post Killing Game, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Read chapter 6 notes!, Sleep Deprivation, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team DR suck at their job, Why do I not let my son be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-07-03 11:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15817962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olliekun/pseuds/Olliekun
Summary: Even if the days are bad, nights are the worst.





	1. Alone

**Author's Note:**

> *looks at name and sweats* listen I'm sorry I'm still vocaloid trash
> 
> Okay so I've been debating putting this up for a lot of reasons, mainly bc I know sories like these with kokichi are the most overused but damn if I don't love them!
> 
> This is one I've been really excited about and also kinda the reason i got an ao3 
> 
> Sorry for any errors or awkward lines!

Laying awake is one of the last things Kokichi Ouma wants to be doing right now. It's been probably over three and a half hours and kokichi still isn't asleep. The past few nights have been like this a lot since he got back from that sickening hellhole two months ago.

 

Kokichi is tired. Okay well more than tired, he's fucking exhausted, the dark circles under his violet eyes are proof of that. 

 

Glaring at the red illuminating 2:44 A.M. that's shown on the slim black digital clock across from him. Kokichi lets out a disgruntled sigh as he continues to squint his eyes at the clock across from him. 

He detests this house. Team Dangan Ronpa had given them these houses, almost as if to tell them “Haha sorry about the whole 'you watching your friends kill each other' thing lol”

'Honestly no amount of free shit they give the participants can undo what they had made us endure' is a thought that frequently plagues Kokichis mind ever since he set foot in this damn house. 

 

He closes his eyes and takes a deep slow breaths as he tries to relax and will himself to sleep. It proves ineffective as always.

 

He could totally sleep if it wasn't for this awful feeling eating away at him. That and the beginning of a headache wasn't what helping either.

 

He rolls onto his stomach, shoving his face into the large soft pillow. Mentally yelling at himself to just try to forget, so he can sleep already, Kokichi is aware that won't work.

 

The truth is...he's just too frightened to even think about sleep. Even if Kokichi won't admit due to his ego, the cause was a mixture of guilt and a recurring nightmare.

 

Well okay not just any kind of nightmare, though Kokichi wishes it was just a normal nightmare. One that you could laugh about with friends, telling them about how ridiculous it all seemed now. 

 

A tired laugh breaks through the silence. 

“Heh, friends.” If only he really had any.

 

Thinking back to his dream, its always that memory, the one that continues to haunt him both in and out of sleep. One he wishes he could just burn out of his brain. Out of all of his fucked up memories it just had to be from when he was THERE. More specifically, about his last day on Dangan Ronpa, just him and Kaito in the hanger.

The event had ended up making Kokichi extremely claustrophobic and left a subconscious fear of sleeping on his back planted in his mind. 

A tired chuckle leaves his mouth, thinking about how pathetic that whole fiasco has left him. They can't know this is what he's been reduced to.

 

'Just continue being the monster they know you as if that's what it takes.'

 

Thinking back to kokichis dream, it's the same thing every night, playing out exactly like it did when he was in the game. Even the smell of the hanger, the scent of blood lingering in the air due to the trail they made out of Kokichis blood, going fron the bathroom to the hydraulic press.

Kokichi laying between the half lowered press, eyes shut tight trying to will himself to stay calm for two reasons:

Reason number: He will not back down in front of that space idiot

Reason number two: because it *was* his idea, and he'd be damned if he didn't at least try to do something moderately helpful to stop this god awful killing game. 

 

Kokichi was going to beat this game and save the others. 

'Well look how that turned out.' 

 

However there was the other part of him telling him that he was terrified, that wished there was another some other way out. 

There wasn't any other options though. He was rushed, there *wasn't* any time left...it had to be done no matter how much him or Kaito didn't want it to. 

 

The feeling of bones being crushed, the hot pain from where the arrows had hit him, and feeling of the poison in this body slowly killing him. All of these sensations overwhelming him, his body feeling nothing but absolute pain searing through him.

 

The last thing he saw before waking was the press coming down, followed by darkness and silence. The image of the unsure look Kaito had on his face before he had watched the press crushKokichi it had been burned into his brain as Well. Afterwards his eyes would snap open as he woke up body breaking out in a cold sweat.

 

As much as Kokichi tells himself he wanted to, he really didn't want to know what was going on in Kaitos head. Mostly because he wasn't really on good terms with the other ultimate, so he wouldn't he shocked if it was something like “finally, that shithead can't bother them anymore!” or “you deserve this and you know it.” Especially with what he heard what Kaito said about Kokichi before Kaito succumbed to his sickness during the execution. 

 

Even now with the game over he hasn't really talked with kaito or the others besides Gonta. Even then Kokichi doesn't really talk about the game with Gonta beside the time he was trying apologize to the giant after he had woken up from being killed by Kaito. Kokichi knows he did a horrible thing in the game, getting Gonta the only person that would help with his plan to stop Miu from killing him. It really hurt seeing him crying and saying he forgave Kokichi before his execution.

 

Panic fills his mind. He can't breathe.

 

Putting his hands to the sides of his head gripping tight and practically pulling at his hair. 

“I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm s-sorry!”, He whimpers through harsh breathing. Mentally trying to will himself to not cry.

 

He knows even if Gonta forgives him both during and after the game Kaito doesn't, and honestly Shuichi probably doesn't either. In fact Shuichis word's from after Gonta died still have a strong hold on Kokichi, especially as kokichi watched and waited as that press came down. He knew when he died those words held an extraordinary amount of truth. 

'You're alone Kokichi. And you always will be'

The words had stung, having the person you love show you how much they hate you. Kokichi couldn't say that he didn't deserve it. He was the one pushing them away, playing the role of the make believe villain. 

 

'This feeling of being alone will never stop, will it?'

 

Kokichi wraps himself up in his blanket and wishes none of it happened. Wished he could have stopped himself from signing up for Dangan Ronpa. He wonders what happened to the real him, why would he do this to himself? Is it really worse than what he is now? 

 

Kokichi isn't sure he wants to know. Kokichi tells himself its better if he doesn't. 

 

He can feel himself shaking again, Its getting harder for him to breathe. Wrapping himself up even tighter he lets out a choked sob.

' Friends', he thinks to him self.

 

Memories of the checkered bandanna he had worn during the game flashed through his mind.

“I... I wish DICE was real...”

 

The dark haired male sobs harder, silently wishing he'd stop so this shity headache would just go away. Everything hurts so much.

 

God, DICE, he had loved them more than anything in the whole damn world. When he found out they were never real in the first place and just some made up bullshit backstory it had made him dizzy, he had to instantly try to fight the urge to vomit or pull at his hair. He was devastated sure but, at least someone had cared about him during his life tme. 

 

He wanted to scream about how much he needed them to be real, that it had to be a lie.

 

A lie...

 

Another laugh slips through Kokichis mout, this time ending up as more of a wheezing sound.

 

This whole entire mess that is Kokichi Ouma is nothing but a lie he's built to scare people away. If they want to think he's the embodiment of a lie then he'll just keep living as one. That's all anyone will ever think of him so why not let it be true.

 

“God if I wasn't such an ass and actually talked to the others maybe I wouldn't be so alone.” He mumbled to himself.

 

Some of the fans of Dangan Ronpa would probably tell him that he helped more then the others, that it wasn't his fault the fifth trial back fired. Kokichi doesn't care what those disgusting freaks thought. He doesn't feel like what he did helped at all. 

In the eyes of the other ex-ultimate's he was nothing but a monster, who found a way to take two lives without getting his own hands dirty. Even now they keep distance for him, glaring at him and whispering. 

 

Kokichi feels more tears spill from his eyes.

 

He just wanted to save them. 

 

He wanted to save them all no matter the cost and yet he failed both occasions he had the chance. Sure having them all die along side him and Gonta wasn't a very good plan, but what choice did he have? Kokichi knew one would listen to him.

 

It sure as hell was a better plan than them leaving and finding out everything and everyone on the outside were gone, even the earth wasn't habitable anymore. He never wanted them to discover the truth.

 

That all the killing was for nothing, nothing but the sick amusement for those people viewing them in the real world. 

 

After crying for what felt like hours, which in reality was only about five or so minutes, the shaking has subsided, Kokichi felt himself drift slowly into sleep. 

He wishes that he wouldn't ever wake up again. He wished the game would have just been real. That the hydraulic press would have crushed him.

 

Being dead has to be better than this.

 

...Better than being alone


	2. A strange day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a small chapter I know. There will be more in the next one!

Two weeks later.

 

The noise of the occasional page turning is the only sound in the room. Shuichi places a bookmark inside his current favorite book and sets it on the on the kitchen counter. 

 

The heavy book is a biography about a world renowned detective from years ago. He finds it silly that he still seems to harbor an obsession for detective work. Turning his head at the clock, he checks the time. 8:90 P.M., He'd lost track of again. 

 

Shuichi had made it a habit to take walks during the evening to destress, sometimes visit the others and chat for a bit. He wasn't all too fond of walking this close to night but he for now it will do. Routine is something shuichi wants to at least try and keep.

 

Pulling the heavy dark ash colored jaket from the wooden chair he slides it on. He opens his door and frigid air hits him causing him to shiver. Before taking off he locks his door, juuust to be safe.

 

'Why is it so cold today?', Perhaps he should bring a scarf next time. 

Not really having a destination in mind he decides to just aimlessly walk about, considering how heavily monitored it is around here it's certainly not dangerous. The tall lamp poles also bring in a fairly good amount light.

 

As Shuichi makes his way through the subdivision he can't help but think about the whole situation. Shuichi, along with Kirumi and Korekiyo, still have fragments of their original selfs with them. It's strange having to suppress the thoughts and feelings that are so foreign to him. He's lucky that aren't too prominent.

 

His audition video was horrifying, no sane person should ever speak about such awful plans in such a tone. Smiling, then smile is the part that unsettled him out of it all. 

 

What happened that only they were effected? Nothing made sense, or Shuichi could be over thinking. 

 

After sometime of walking shuichi stops. 

 

'Are there two Team Dangan Ronpa vans in front of ouma's house?'

Sure enough Shuichi is correct, as he gets closer he sees a tall woman leaning against the van frantically talking on the phone, She looks (and sounds) livid at the person on the receiving end.

 

Then Shuichi notices it.

 

'Ouma-kun's door is wide open, but where is he? He isn't the type of person to leave his door unlocked, let alone opened.'

Two men walk out of ouma's house and shake their head at the woman. He unintentionally walks forward attempting to listen in on the woman's conversation, listening for anything about Ouma. No dice, He guesses it really isn't a good idea to spy any longer. Shuichi would defiantly prefer not having them find out he's here. The last thing he wants is to be interrogated by Team Dangan Ronpa.

Still this whole situation doesn't feel right, or maybe it's just all in his head, maybe ouma is inside trying to prank the people in the van? Hopefully.

 

He turns and swiftly returns to his home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me a writing prompt or just say hi, my discord is Big clappy#6898


	3. Lets drop dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As days go by Kokichis feels himself breaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole series gives me cold feet when Im about to update it oml.
> 
> I STRONGLY RECOMMEND READING TAGS, they are added as I go bc some times I cut things out after I edit the chapters.
> 
> Also there will be some creative liberties and some things may not be completely accurate pleasedont@meimtryingmybest

'Life isn't a fairy tale, nobody will catch you when you fall. Nobody will bat an eye the day you die.'

\--------

Two weeks had pass since his breakdown, Kokichi feels like he's finally becoming unhinged from reality. These bland empty days are blending together, his head feels like its completely filled with thick fog, the silence only makes things worse. He's locked himself in this house, refusing to leave. The once bright purple tips of this hair now looking faded, his hair is greasy from not being washed in over a week, not to mention he's been losing weight from not eating full meals, just occasionally eating something small.

 

He doesn't even have the energy to try to bother the others, these no point in doing so, the damage is done. Talking to them would only lead to more pain. More of their eyes boring into Kokichi. Who's to say one of them won't physically hurt him, they've done it before. Kokichi is aware that the others don't even remotely care about him. If they did would have stopped by. They literally live in the same subdivision, after all they were given the addresses of each other in case they wanted to talk about the killing game to try and cope with what happened without having to contact the bastards that let this happen to them.

 

'I bet they think I'm dead and rotting on the floor, waiting for the day my body will be carried away.'

 

He reaches into the cabinet grabbing a plastic plate and setting it down, Kokichi bites the inside of his cheek, smothering the urge to just snap it in half and spiral back into another break down.

 

'Calm down already!'

 

He pulls out two pieces of toast from the sliver toaster and practically smothers them in grape jam with the pathetic excuse of a butter knife. He brings one to his mouth, taking a bite while chewing it slowly then forcing himself to swallow. Nausea instantly makes its way through his body.

Kokichi needs to start eating more, but as one could guess it's just become as much of a meaningless hassle as just about everything else. Kokichi wills himself to finish eating.

 

Kokichi hears a knock on the door that almost startled him. Knowing it's someone who works for Team Dangan Ronpa he lets out a sighs and makes his way to the door. Kokichi pulls the door open and a woman in a black suit with her hair put up in a bun greets him then proceeds to hand him an envelope, he takes it knowing well aware whats in it.

 

These houses are constantly monitored unless a former participant is deemed stable enough to not be monitored. The woman leaves shortly after attempting to get the short male to engage in a conversation, knowing Kokichi won't talk to her even if she wanted him to, he lets himself smirk, taking it as a small victory.

 

Shutting the door the male sits back at the table. He opens the envelope that was given to him, and of course Kokichi was right. The letter is basically stating that he has two options due to his lack of self care and the alarming state of his health. Have a member of team Dangan Ronpa watch him and take him to therapy sessions or live with a mentally more stable ex-participant to help him try to recover. Kokichi scoffs.

 

'Too lazy to fix the mess you guys made, huh?'

 

Both options sucked. Either live with someone from a disgusting company or a person that hated him. Its awful really. All this bullshit they spew about wanting keeping him alive. A group like this pretending they care. They only do this because the government wants to shut them down, so they get by pretending they care about the mental health of the people that signed up. Using free therapy, medication, and other shit to keep them from shutting them down. Even though they have at lest three or more suicides after every three seasons, much less than one would think.

 

Maybe he'd be better off dying, instead of wishing that his death was true.

 

'Wait a minute, Yes, that's it!'

 

An awful grin forms, something akin to the horrifying faces he has made during his time in the game to fool and scare the others, although it seems to feel all too real this time.

 

Maybe he should *make* it true. Irrationality starts to could his mind, letting out an unsettling giggle he spends five minutes just rocking on his heels deciding to either let this hell eat at him until he's truly insane or try to break away from all this.

 

He opened the door and bolted out, not even bothering to shut the door. There isn't time to close it, Team Dangan Ronpa isn't stupid. They will try to catch up to him. He doesn't know where he's going but what he does know is he'll keep running even if his legs start to burn. If he dies he'll sure as hell make sure it isn't gonna be in there.

 

After what felt like hours of pushing through the burning pain tearing through his lungs and legs, he spots some abandoned rundown building. 'Perfect. This will work nicely!'

 

*****

 

Kokichi stops moving once he reaches the roof, planting his small body down on to the cold surface, letting himself lie down. He inhales, taking in as much freezing air as he can. The cool feeling of the roof on his back feels nice.

 

He might have been fast before but boy, his body isn't forgiving him for not being as active the past few months. As he lies there just taking in the cold night air Kokichi looks up at the night sky. He couldn't help but think the brightly shining stars looked amazingly beautiful. Kaito would probably find them much more beautiful though, he used to be the Ultimate Astronaut after all. Kokichi remembers when he would spot kaito and shuichi hanging out on nights like this training with maki. Kokichi tries to shake the thought of him away. Thinking about them will do nothing but hurt him more.

 

Kokichi sits back up and wanders over to the edge. He doesn't look down, just looks out to all the lights in the distance. He feels can finally be free up here. 'Nobody is watching.' He can finally bring himself to fully cry without hesitation.

 

It happens all at once, his protective walls shatter. He brings his arms to his face and wails as big tears fall down his too pale face that's now covered by a reddish pink tint and snot, body shaking with intense force. Kokichis Throat feels likes its being cut up from the inside from gasping for breath. Once the crying died down he lets out a small hiccup and uses the black and white hoodie to whip away the tears and snot from his bright red face. He hates being so weak. It makes him sick.

 

He can do this. He has to do this. A bittersweet smile crosses his face as he whispers to himself as if hoping that other two will hear what Kokichu was going to say. It's so tiring keeping emotions so bottled up.

 

“It wasn't a lie when I said I loved you, my beloved saihara-chan...” a pained chuckle forces it's way out of his mouth. “And Gonta, believe me when I say that I am so incredibly sorry, I just wanted to do what I thought was right.”

 

He deserved this. He deserved this.

 

The look of immense guilt in Gontas crying face after Mius trial forever imprinted in his mind. It was all because of Kokichi.

 

'No. No. No! NO! NO!'

 

He clinches his fists, Kokichi can feel his nails digging in his skin.

 

'You can do it, You've died once, you can do it again. Just do it again.'

 

'For them'

 

Closing his eyes taking in one more breath to relax his body, Kokichi Ouma lets himself fall.

 

Succumbing to both the pain that shoots though him followed by a darkness that overrides his mind.


	4. Worry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi's an anxious boi and prolly OOC af

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh yesterday was awful and today I feel like an anxious mess so I made myself finnish this chapter bc the one after this has been somewhat done for a month now aahhhh. I'm so tired dude,,,
> 
> Sorry for the mistakes, I fear talking to people and having them help :')

All Participants of Season fifty-three were gathered together and then brought into a strange meeting room/office area of some sort without any heads up or explanations whatsoever. No one spoke once they entered the room, they all just looked at each other, as if daring the others to talk first. The atmosphere inside the large room is tense, Shuichi swears he could slice through it with a knife.

 

Shuichi makes an effortless attempt to ease his steadily growing anxiety by trying to evaluate his surrounding, easy enough, right?

The room itself has a somewhat casual yet professional layout to it, dark brown walls and a few picture's placed around the five work desks, in the center stand three Team Dangan Ronpa members, two men and one woman, each dressed in black and gray suits. Their presence doesn't help Shuichi calm himself at all. Looking around he notices there are chairs placed in the farther back area of the room, all facing the three representatives.

The woman steps forward, the clicking of her heels sound as she moves towards them, She clears her throat and begins to speak.

“Good evening all, my name is Amada Aiko. I am in charge of leading today's meeting. Now if you would please have a seat, we will soon discuss the matter as to why we require your presence here, especially on such a short notice, however we are currently waiting on a member of ours to arrive. So for the meantime you may converse with each other while we wait.”

 

Shuichi's eyes scan the room, as he and the others take a set, He can't seem to shake the suspicion that someone is missing from the group, but who?

Shuichi looks around at the ex-ultimate's who are split up in groups and talking amongst themselves. Kaito Maki, Kiibo and Miu are chatting next him on the left side of him, about what? No idea, honestly he's not listening to any of them. Not to lie, He'd rather not listen to Miu’s crass humor at the moment. 

Kaede, Angie and Korekiyo are on his right side, the remaining few are seated in the second row behind him.

 

So Kokichi is the only one missing from the room. 

 

‘Here comes that feeling of dread again- wait.’

There's something else Shuichi is feeling mixed with his fear.

‘What possible emotion could be paired with this?’

It hits him, to Shuichi's horror, he realizes it's a twisted form of excitement. Excitement of knowing something awful might have transpired. He's disgusted that these emotions tend to override his mind at times like this, it makes Shuichi want to him mentally scold himself.

This old self of his is starting to become more prominent in his thoughts again. Sometimes he finds its getting harder and harder to differentiate between which him is thinking. 

‘What could have led this outcome. Wouldn't Team Dangan Ronpa have been prepared for this kind of error?’

 

“Saihara, are you alright? You don't look so good. You seem kinda spacey, ya know?” Keade asks quietly, voice full of genuine concerned for her friend. She shouldn't have to look out for him, Kaede has helped him so much already, Shuichi has grown so much, thanks to her. Hopefully someday he can make it up to her.

Shuichi flashes a tired smile at the blonde “Oh, no I'm fine, I'm just curious as to the reason behind us being dragged here. Um... hey, don't you think it's weird how Ouma-kun is the only one absent?” 

Kaede tilts her head. 

“I assumed he had skipped coming or something. Hmm, although now that you mention it, it does strike me as a bit peculiar now that I think about it. I mean, I can't believe Team DR would just let someone skip coming if it's as important as they are making it seem.”, her voice trails off slightly the more she spoke and her eyebrows furrow. 

“See? It's not me overreacting. In fact, I think this meeting might be connected to Ouma’s disappearance yesterd-ah!” 

 

Shuichi feels the wind practically knocked out of him as Miu roughly swings her arm around the seated Kaede and Shuichi, cackling when she witnessed Shuichi's dazed expression.

 

“Ah that lil’ stack of shit had prolly just pissed off the wrong person and now he's hiding to try to save his fuckin' twink ass. AHHAHA! He's such a conniving little bastard, I'm tellin ya!”, she yells, bearing a shit eating grin as usual, Shuichi wished Miu would be less brash in situations like this.

“I doubt tha-”

 

For the second time today Shuichi was interrupted, a mildly tall women with brown choppy hair lunges into the room, stopping to catch her breath, Shuchi is pretty such she's in her early twenties.

 

“I-I am so sorry for my tardiness, the first floor elevator just would not start up, a-and-”

While wearing a scowl, the older looking woman puts her hand up to signal the panicking woman to refrain from speaking.

“No excuses. The file, please.”, Aikos voice was devoid of compassion, almost borderline cold. Shuichi can see the poor woman shaking as she extends her hands. Aiko reaches her hand out as the frazzled woman hands the file over.

“ Now that everyone is in attendance we can finally commence our meeting. I must ask you all to return to your seat.” 

Miu grumbles and goes back to her spot in the front row.

“Thank you. I'm sure you all have caught on that one of you hasn't arrived yet. Well at around 10:40 P. M. was Kokichi Ouma administered to our infirmary.”

‘WHAT? Oh my god. Kokichi..., what the hell happened to you?’

The sound of muttering between the ex-ultimates breaks out. Half of them seem as distressed about the news while the other claims Ouma had it coming. How could they say that, We don't even know how he ended up the infirmary, yet they all are so eager to spout comments about how Kokichi definitely deserved to get his gremlin ass handed to him. 

“The cause as well as the status of his current condition is not allowed to discuss, minus of course the person who will be monitoring him once he is discharged.”

Turning her head, her eyes lock with Shuichi, “Saihara-san you have been deemed a perfect candidate in aiding Ouma-san during his recovery. As for you others, all we ask of you is to please refrain from any and all confrontation, go easy on him, please.”

She walks over to Shuichi and hands him the sealed file. “I ask that you go over this file once you have made it back, It contains confidential information so understand you must its contents are not to be brought up until we say so.”

 

Shuichi hesitantly takes it, not completely sure as to the reasoning behind choosing him, and nods, “understood, Amada-san.”

“If any of you have an inquiry you can ask it now.”

As soon as Aiko said that the room erupted with voices.

Shuichi brings his hands to his face.

‘Can't they just ask politely, ugh today is gonna be an utter mess.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My discord is Big Clappy#6898
> 
> Drop me a writhing prompt or just say hi!
> 
> Also I think the spacing is a bit weird In this but hhhhh idc


	5. Hello, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im very tired 90% of the time and the person who reads meh trash has been busy, so oof this might be a train wreck of misspelling and such. I'm sorry. Again a lot of this stuff isn't gonna be 100% accurate so dont @ me hhhh.
> 
> Also uhh so I might brake this into a series bc later content is gonna be a bit more darker imo and I feel explicit might be the way to go.
> 
> (Next update will be sometime after I finish a secret fic, So possibly in December ewe)

Of course Team Dangan Ronpa had been aware of what he was going to do. They had brought paramedics with them so they wouldn't have to wait for them to arrive after they found Kokichi. 

 

Kokichi is spending his time confined in a blindingly bright white hospital room, wanting nothing more then to drowned out the consistent sounds of constant beeping and foot steps moving around outside the door. Nurses and members of Team Dangan Ronpa come in and out of the room every few hours. A dizzying sensation keeps bubbling up in his head every so often.

 

Open, close, open, close. 

 

Beep..beep.. beep...beep. 

 

When Kokichi has some sense of lucidity he's being bombarded with way too many questions from both hospital staff and Team DR, none of which he wants to provide an honest answer to. Annoying, it's all annoying. 

 

Thinking back to when he had first gained bits of consciousness, Kokichi remembers how slowly hours had passed by until Kokichi was completely woken up and had less drowsy spells, taking the time he needed to fully processed the current situation at hand. The doctor that had been assigned to him- whose name Kokichi has already long forgotten-had told him that he'd been going in and out of consciousness for roughly nine days. 

Apparently they had to use enteral tube feeding on him due to Kokichi being unconscious for a majority of his time there and therefore unable to eat, not to mention Kokichi was already mildly malnourished when he was brought inside Team DR’s medical facility. ‘Two birds one stone, I guess.’ he chuckled to himself.

Out of most of the injuries he had managed inflicting himself with was a concussion, three bruised ribs and fractured left wrist. Both arms and legs littered in less serious injuries here and there as well but Kokichi didn't really give a shit about those. He figured if they hadn't drugged him to hell and back, he'd definitely feel the bruises.

 

It's been a well over a month after he woke up and boooy does time go by slowly here, although definitely not as slowly as it did when he was living in that house. This small room isn't all too visually pleasing, a barred window, a small bookshelf, pretty lame compared to places that at least have a damn television. At least they have books here, however none of them were interesting, the content was mundane at best.

 

Now that he is conscious he's able to eat by himself. He's a little surprised they brought him actual solid food. A nurse puts a tray on top of the table besides him, Kokichi eyes the questionable food on the plastic brown tray. It's turkey sandwich with mashed potatoes as a side, right next to the plate on the tray is a fruit cup, he grimaces. 

Half of the food they serve tastes either like shit or straight up bland to Kokichi but the nurse's that monitored him made sure he was given three times a day, refusing to leave unless he ate every single bite.

 

This fucking sucks. What sucks the absolute most is that they are making him live with Shuichi, telling Kokichi that out of all the participants he was the only person relatively close to him in the game. Kaito was a strong second, which seemed beyond ridiculous to Kokichi. Guess that's what happens when Kokichi collaborates with people that despise him.

 

Team Dangan Ronpa hadn't informed the ex-ultimates what exactly had happened yet. He doesn't want to know what those people thought of him when they do find out. His face sours at the thought of them.

'Christ, Just let me return back to my pathetic self, to the me wasting away in isolation. I can't bring myself to be in the presence of any of them right now. I refuse to accept their played up pity and sympathy. I don't need it.'

 

********

 

A few days later the doctor infromes Kokichi that he's going to be discharged soon. Fear fills his brain as he grips the hospital blanket tightly. Kokichi just wants to stay as isolated as he possibly can. The facade he'd wore is far too damaged to repair. He refuses to let this husk of himself be seen by the others, but he's reached the point of giving up, what more can he do but to just accept his fate? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if he tries to run the nurses will catch him and sedate him. 

He repeats a previous question to himself.

 

'Do I try to repair the mask again or just drop the act all together?' 

 

Both options will end up fucking him over one way or another, there's no denying that.

 

A nurse with short yellow-blonde hair opens the door then walks in. The way she carries herself is almost intimidating.

 

"Ouma-San the doctor said you're free to go", the woman paused, “Although between you and me, I believe you still need at least two to three weeks of rest still. So don't strain or overwork yourself." 

 

Ouma fights off a smirk, 'Oh wow, just gonna be blunt about your distrust. She must not like Team DR all that much either.’

He ponders as to why someone like her would work here if she didn't agree to how they treated the patients. ‘Meh, they probably paid them good money.’ 

"I will escort you to the waiting room where Saihara-san is waiting for you. Please come with me. Oh..." the harsh look in her eyes fade momentarily and she's hesitant about something.

Kokichi tilts his head. ‘what now?’

“I was told you are capable of walking but...are you positive *you* want to?”

“Heh nah, I'm good.” he states almost in an almost overly content voice.

 

He complies with her earlier request and shifts off the bed. Luckily they were giving him pain pills so it doesn't feel like he's being stabbed every single fucking time he walks.

Exiting his assigned room he walks beside her. Kokichi isn't going to even bother trying to talk to the woman, especially since she seems almost as painfully standoffish as he is. 

 

In Kokichi’s opinion the whole entire place seemed to a tad sketchy for a hospital. Well, what more could you expect from Team Dangan Ronpa? Team DR’s entire existence is sketchy.

 

It still baffles Kokichi that they didn't even try to institutionalize him. This only proves that the small male is right, that Team Dangan Ronpa really is just too lazy and incompetent to assist the participants that are seriously need of getting better. It could just as well be they are pissed he'd gotten so close to beating their stupid killing game almost single handedly, Who's to say really?

Stepping through the double door and into the waiting room Kokichi instantly notices that Shuichi is hunched over in a chair as he reads. Kokichi’s whole body begins to tense. Seeing him again was gut wrenching to say the least, this pain throbbing in his chest felt worse than any of Kaito’s punches ever could,not even than the never fading memory of the sensation of bones crunching could out match it.

He can't move, can't breathe, his vision blurs and alternates from the colors of the waiting room then cutting to black a for a few short seconds. It's too much for him to handle, an unbearably nauseating feel washes over him.

‘No,no,no ,no ,no,no, not here,please not here. I can't do this again.’ 

Losing balance Kokichi falls to his knees. He isn't aware his whole body is trembling until he hears his breath hitching as he attempts to inhales. Hands reach out to comfort him but Kokichi recoils away from the person while suppressing the urge to scream as thoughts frantically fill his overwhelmed mind.

‘why? why? why? why? why? You don't deserve his help. He's a victim of you. Everything you said in the game, of all the horrible actions and lies. You really think being forgiven is something you, a coward deserves?’

A window of clarity opens in his mind, hastily getting what semblance of a grip he can, he looks up at the now terrified shuichi and laughs. “Nishishi did I get ya? Ah, what am I saying of course I did.”

Kokichi smiles wide while Shuichi only seems more distressed and confused after witnessing the other laughing off having an all too real panic attack. Shuichi isn't easily fooled, Kokichi won't pretend he is either. 

Lying like this to shuichi isn't entertaining and it accomplishes nothing.

“Ugh, fine whatever. Can we leave now or what? I'm tired of his place and it's gross food.” Kokichi pouted, puffing his cheeks out like a stubborn child.

Shuichi's face is full of what Kokihi can only assume is pity, and sighs.

‘Stop it. Please.’

With furrowed brows Shuichi smiles, “Oh uh sure, but- ah nevermind, you look tired, Ouma-kun. Why don't you rest on the drive back?”

It sounds almost genuine, but it can't be. Shuichi being truly kind and caring to him isn't something scum like Kokichi is worthy to experience.

 

The drive back to the suburb is silent yet oddly content. Leaning his head against the window drowsiness takes over, Kokichi falls asleep wishing for the circumstance to be different. Instead of Shuichi being forced to babysit him, he'd help Kokichi because he's his friend. Telling Kokichi he'll be okay, as belief fills those warm, kind words. 

That's all Kokichi would ever want to ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made a server for my boi kokichi uwu  
> https://discord.gg/Yzd5jFC 
> 
> Also if you ever wanna talk or send me a prompt my discord is Big Clappy#6898


	6. Let me in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Shuichi wants is for Kokichi to tell him whats wrong, he wants Kokichi to open up to him at his own speed. So why does Shuichi constantly contradict himself? 
> 
> Why does it feel like he's only hurting him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!PLEASE READ!!
> 
> So sorry for the wait!  
> Hello! This is final chapter for benzene, however as you can tell I've decided to make this a series! Whooo
> 
> The next installment will be going by Nitrobenzene and will be much darker than this, however it will start off a bit more fluffy than I'd like it to be, It'll pick up where this fic leaves off. 
> 
> And as always, I'm sorry I write these half asleep, I don't really put a shit ton of attention into working on this stuff bc this is just a small hobby of mine that i honestly dont take all the seriously :p

Truthfully, Shuichi didn't expect Kokichi to fall asleep so quickly after they had entered the car. Shuichi couldn't help but notice that the purple haired man looks honestly somewhat peaceful as he slept. Probably worn himself out mentally.

Well, he can't blame Kokichi, the ex-detective could tell from studying Kokichi's face before they had left the hospital, the purple eyed man's appearance physical seemed borderline concerning. Recalling what he's heard from some of the members of Team Dangan Ronpa and the documents Shuichi had looked over before picking Kokichi up from TDR’s “medical ward”-- if it could be even called that. From that alone doesn't make it all too surprising that they had discharged him fairly early. 

Witnessing first hand the kind of emotional turmoil that Kokichi is experiencing was excruciating to watch. A person who Shuichi only knew as carefree and composed, now reduced to an easily emotionally transparent figure ...all because of a sick game. Shuichi has never thought of himself as someone who was relatively close to him, however Shuichi knows Kokichi must hate the transparency of his most recent lie,maybe even the transparency of his future actions if Kokichi is going to continue pretending he's still the same person from the start of the killing game.

 

Shuichi isn't sure he could even fathom exactly how intensely the game must have warped the shorter male’s state of mind. 

 

Glancing back at the sleeping man he and bites back the disgust thats welling up, how could they let someone leave in such a horrid condition? In Shuichi's opinion, Kokichi desperately needs this time to rest. He needs real help, Shuichi doesn't know if he can can even provide the help Kokichi deserves.

It's beyond painful seeing a person who you know is in need of help try to build up walls and walls of lies, only to fail at running from the inescapable emotional backlash once it becomes too much.

Doesn't exactly help when the thoughts of seeing said person crumbling and falling into a deeper pit of despair seems to only make his heart thump in his chest, spurring on this ever-growing toxic emotion slowly blooming inside Shuichi's chest. Always either contradicting or swapping places with what Shuichi wants to believe is his real emotions. 

 

If he truly desires to provide a sort of safe space for Kokichi. He wants to provide the help Kokichi has been oddly denied by Team Dangan Ronpa, Shuichi needs to keep himself in check if he wants the other to get just a smidge better.

Pulling into the driveway of his house provides a bit of comfort to the ex-ultimate. When turning to wake Kokichi up, shuichi sees the smaller male has the smallest trace of a smile. 

Peaceful look, a look Shuchi hopes to see more of. 

He won't lie and deny that he felt if things had been different maybe they could have grown closer to him. Maybe this can give them that chance become closer. To be friend.

‘I'd like that.’, he thinks with a faint smile resting on his face.

 

The smaller male head turns as purple eyes open and make contact with shuichi's own. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?”, Kokichi's eye narrow before he lets out a loud yawn while he stretches his arms out.  
“whaat no answer? Oh! Could it be that my shumai gets off on watching people sleep!” 

Kokichi seems to be poorly mimicking how he acted in the killing game. It lacks some of the peppy tone, paired with a more empty smile on this face, unsettling is the only word Shuichi can use to describe the display.

Shuichi doubts the other will willingly talk about what happened at the panic attack at the“medical ward”,but at least he's talking in general.

“N-no! It's just that, ...well...you looked peaceful. Was it because of a dream?”, Shuichi asks, as he cocks his head to the side.

Kokichi is still for a moment, blankly staring forward, he looks uncomfortable. It's nothing but pure silence for a few seconds, the shorter male answers Shuichi softly.

“...Yeah, it was.”

“Mind sharing the details with me, Ouma-kun?”

‘Please, talk about it with me.’

“huh?”, judging by the taken back expression, Kokichi wasn't expecting the other to be interested, “Now why would I do that, silly! it's secret, only I can know, yep yep!”, he gives a toothy grin followed by him quickly taking off his seatbelt, “Hey can we pleeaase go inside already, my legs are starting to getting cramped sitting here ya know.” Kokichi whines.

‘I'll pretend that he's sincerely joking with me, I'd prefer not stressing him out any further than already has been today.’

 

Shuichi chuckles, “yeah, we can, I mean it's not like i'm gonna keep you from leaving the car.”

Kokichi replies, speaking in a tone one would use to start some cheesy campfire horror story, “You never knooow.”

 

They both exit the car then walk towards the door to Shuichi's home. It's structured the same as Kokichi's, a plain two story house with no real outstanding color or fancy exterior.

 

Shuchi opens the door and offers to let Kokichi in first. Kokichi take up the offer and steps in inside before exaggerating a sigh. 

“Geez, Saihara, your house is just as boring on the inside as it is outside. It's clean though, guess you're still a bit of a neat freak, huh? ”

He's not wrong, The man didn't really like having a lot of stuff, especially if he won't be living here for more than a year.

“heh, You got there. If you're looking for something to pass the time I still have books and movies, those should hopefully prevent you from getting bored. At least until I can find something else we can do, I also own some playing cards-”

 

Kokichi's expression shifts again, it's becoming hard to read. It's possible Shuichi may have been too forward on attempting to spend time with the other. It's then that Shuichi notices that Kokichi is clenching his teeth as he visibility becomes more fidgety.

“Uh...Ouma-kun, am I bothering you? I don't want this to come across as me being weird or anything.”

Kokichi takes a weary breath, then shakes his head,“Y-you're fine. I'm just tired, is all. Seriously, don't sweat it, Nothing you could say would get under my skin.”

 

“That's bullshit.”, once the words left his mouth Shuichi immediately presses the palm of his hand to his mouth, fearing if he dares to let go he'll say something drastic and moronic again.

“Pardon?”, Kokichi asks, his voice is a cross between confusion, anger, and...hurt. Shuichi knows must have hit a sore spot.

Shuichi frantically apologizes to Kokichi,“I am deeply sorry, that was inappropriate of me to say that. I didn't mean to say that, at all!”

“Stop it.”

“Huh? Stop what?” 

“Stop pretending. You're lying. I know you are! In fact, please, be honest and elaborate as to why tHAT'S BULLSHIT! Go on, you have my have full attention.”, Kokichi crossed his arms, fingers gripping at the fabric of his hoodie. 

 

Shuichi wished he could kick past him, why would be say something like that.“Ouma-kun, I didn't mean it. You know I would never harm you or anyone ever. I was trying to say that you’re aren't well, Ouma-kun, it's obvious you aren't ‘just tried’. I want to help you.”

The bit of rage Kokichi was feeling must have subsided, however, it was replaced with something else. Kokichi whimpers as he sinks down to the floor, “How do I know? Why should I believe you? I don't deserve any help, you know?” he shouts. His thin body rocking back and forth as he repeats those words over and over. 

The taller man sits on the carpet next to Kokichi.“Know what? That I want to help you? Hey, Ouma, look at me! You have to slow down and take a breath!”

“How do I know THEY aren't making you say these things so me? I can only imagine what those sickos are paying you to make sure keep the fucking ‘psychotic brat’ alive!”

Shuichi notices Kokichi's nails are digging into the skin on his wrists. He wants to take hold of Kokichis hands to keep from hurting him, but what if that triggers a bigger reaction in the man? 

“Ouma-kun, is it okay if I touch you?”

He guesses Kokichi doesn't want to prolong his paranoia induced ranting because quietly give a small ‘yes’ to Shuichi's question.  
Shuichi slowly places his arm on Kokichi’s back. An action Kaito use to do this whenever Shuichi was feeling frustrated.

“Ouma-kun, you just have to believe me. I know that might be difficult for you but I want you to be happy. No one deserves going through what we've been through.”

“Heh, that's fuckin rich coming from a savior, don't ya think?”

“Me surviving doesn't necessarily mean I went through that hell unscathed. All of us are carrying a burden of some kind. I am sorry. Even if you won't believe me.”

“Saihara, I want to believe you, but it's not that exactly that easy.”

“I know.”

Shuchi and Kokichi sat there for what had to have been twenty minutes. Twenty minutes of Kokichi crying into his hoodie while Shuichi does his best to calm the other.

“Can I ask you something?”

Upon hearing the taller males voice, Kokichi lifts up his, eyes red and irritated, “Might as well.”

“On second thought, I'll save it for later. You need to get some rest. I...I never wanted to upset you like I did.”

To Shuichi’s surprise, Kokichi's arms make their way around Shuichi's waist, “I hope that's that truth, I hate liars after all.”

‘I hate them too.’

 

At around two in the morning Shuichi wakes up to the sounds of someone moving around somewhere in the house. Shuichi is well aware of who is making all the noise. Shuichi wants to know what is keeping Kokichi up so late when he should be sleeping in the guest room. Uncovering himself, Shuichi leaves his room to track down where the rattling is coming from. As he roams around, he hears the noise getting louder, obviously indicating that he's going in the right direction. Finally Shuchi finds the location of the sound, the kitchen.

He turns on the lights. Kokichi freezes after stashing what seems to be some paper and other items into a bag. The man must've found it laying around in the guest room.

“What're you up to? It's not good for your health to stay up so late. Is something wrong?”

“...It's nothing, mind your own business, I don't need you telling me when I should be asleep.”, with that, Kokochi moves past Shuichi and migrates back to the guest room with a huff.

‘Ouma-kuns rather harsh today. Should I talk to him or leave him be? I wish I knew how to help you. It's too early in the morning for any of that though.’’

Maybe in the morning Angie would help him find an approach that might work. She seems like the type who is good at cheering up others. Or perhaps not, Kokichi is still giving off a skittish sort of vibe.

Shuichi studies the area Kokichi was previously at, he notes that nothing important or dangerous has been taken from any of the drawers, it's fairly odd to say the least. ‘Seriously what is he up too?’ 

Shuichi decides its best to probably go back to bed, right when Shuichi was about to leave his eyes caught sight of a folded piece of paper. After bending down to pick it up, he carefully unfolds the piece of paper. What's on the paper makes a stinging pain swell up in his heart. It was a drawing, a drawing of some very recognizable people. People he'd only seen once.

 

“this...this is D.I.C.E., isn't it?” 

He must've dropped this when he was putting everything in the bag. The man makes a mental note to give this back to Kokichi tomorrow when the other is finally ready to be talked to. 

 

Kokichi must be lonely, but if that's case why won't he talk to Shuichi, is he scared? Probably. Shuichi knows what it's like to be scared. He knows the fear of wanting to keep personal information about yourself away from those around you.

He supposes that's what makes them both cowards. Unable to accept a truth that they refuse to admit. Letting everything stay hidden is pitiful in the most disgusting of ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Twitter is radmoxxi! (18+ only, sorry!)
> 
> And my discord is stated in the previous chapters so feel free to talk to me!


End file.
